wonder

I am in the process of making the most difficult decision of my life.  No lie.  Sometimes I wish that God or even frickin' Santa Claus would just tell me exactly what to do and when to do it.  It's not that I'm scared of the responsibility of the decision, I'm just scared that it's not only my life I'm impacting. 

I feel trapped.  I feel like hurting myself on a daily basis.  I'm pretty sure I'm of no use to anyone while I'm like this.  But moving on from this may hurt people too. 

People say that it's never too late to start over.  I think maybe it's only people with exorbitant amounts of money that say that.  What do us little people do if we fuck up?  Wait around until the price of a plane ticket plummets?  Hitchhike home?  Can you even go home again? 

I'm 28 years old.  The scars on my legs are getting new friends these days.  I'm crying every few hours.  I'm being told that I am stupid and worthless by the people I care about most.  So, what do I do?  What do I do? 

I'm reminded of a time long ago when I was spending outrageous amounts of time and energy on a boy that no one thought was good enough for me.  I'm reminded of how small and insignificant he used to make me feel.  I'm reminded that before it ended, people asked me why I stayed and that after it ended, people said that I was strong and courageous and that I'd done the right thing.

Will this be the same way?  If I leave now, will people congratulate me.  I wonder.