crap!

So, I have to go out today.  Outside.  In a couple of hours.  I hate going outside.  I'm really nervous about it too, cause it's a doctors appointment.  That means I have to get weighed and all the routine shit.  I hate that shit.  

I'm well prepared though.  Have all my paperwork and things in one place.  Oh wait, I should get my ipod to.  And maybe a book.  Crap.  See, I'm not prepared.

And I have nothing to say.  Just that I'm scared.  Wish I didn't have to go, but I do.  

Damn!

me and my tilapia

Really random thoughts coming your way...

• the public library is a really diverse place to just sit and people watch
• it must be a requirement that cab drivers have the "gift of gab"
• black is NOT your friend on a sunny day
• people can surprise you
• you can surprise you
• God is here, just maybe not how we thought
• Ben Mckenzie is hottie goodness!
• it's good to do random nice things for people just to make them smile
• i really want some turkey right now
• or some horseradish for my tilapia

...that is all

obladi

Things have been weird lately.  So much going on.
 
My mother has developed diabetes.  Along with her other illnesses, this is the WORST news possible.  This limits my time with her by a lot.  I have a few years, maybe, if we can swing it.  If it doesn't get too out of control too fast.  But in a matter of weeks she went from one diabetic pills to four because one couldn't control it.  She's not on insulin yet, but when that happens, we will know that she has no more than a few months.

Now because of some diseases she already had, a lung disease particularly, she's been told that surviving another New Jersey winter is unlikely. 

Also, our apartment manager got fired and a new one took over.  A real Nazi bitch if you ask me who no longer wants pets in the complex.  We've had our dogs for 8 and 11 years, respectively, and are NOT giving them up.

So, we move.  Where to?  Texas.  It's a red state, yes, but cheaper than NJ.  And my mother lived there once when I was too little to remember and says she wouldn't mind dying there.  They were nice down there.  The air was cleaner.  Neighbors were friendlier. 

Moving, even to a better place, is always stressful, especially since we don't have the best credit.  Also, my mother got real stupid a few years back and that complicates things now.  But alas, there is someone in Austin, Texas willing to help us. 

Austin, Texas.  That's where we're going.  

It's strange because I have nothing keeping me here anymore.  The people I care most about live under my roof and are coming with me.  My extended family has split off in all directions and we don't even speak due to issues long swept under various rugs.  I don't have any "best" friends.  Not the ones I can call at 3am on some idle Tuesday when I can't sleep because I've had yet another nightmare about my deceased ex coming to me in ghost form.  (He still uses the human methods he used before: throwing rocks at my window 80's style, knocking at the back door and curling up on the steps, or yelling "Tara!  They're coming for me!")

Note:  my deceased ex was not well.  Probably why he died at 25 years old.  

But, talking about him is hard.  I cry.  Thinking of friends lost is hard, too.  Hell, 50% of me still wishes that my rapist was still that yellow-shirted kid in high school with the drug problem and the bestest, bluest eyes, instead of the dipshit he turned out to be.  

Life moves on though.  And so do I as it turns out.  So goodbye New Jersey.  Goodbye old friends.  Don't ever believe that I didn't love you.  I've just grown tired of standing still. 

all that i am

I am 28.  I've mentioned that before.  I am not working cause my psychiatrist is trying to stabilize my mood and my meds.  I don't have a car because I don't have a job so there's not enough money coming in for that "luxury" item.  I'm not going to any kind of intensive program.  I just have my normal weekly therapy because I'm moving soon and I can't commit to a program until I know where I'm going to end up.  

I feel like a failure.  Every day I sit around doing meaningless tasks trying to keep myself and my thoughts busy.  I hate this.  I think that I should be doing more, that I should be more than I am.  

I've tried to consider the help I give my terminally ill mother.  The care that I give to my pets, one of whom I rescued off the streets.  I try to consider that without me, my brother would be a lot worse off.  

But it's so hard.

It's hard when I see people my age with good jobs, lasting relationships, houses, cars, money, etc.  I envy them.  

And part of me can't help but wonder if they're just looking down their noses at me.  Judging me for not being who they are.  For being ill.  

I see movies that present us, the mentally ill, in a vicious and condescending light.  We're murderers, lunatics, predators, on-screen.  A weapon of any sort is lethal in our hands.  If we want to "hurt" ourselves, it's automatically assumed that we want to die.  If we draw angels in therapy, we're automatically thinking about the after life and not the protection and goodness we wish for.  

I'm not looking to die.  I'm looking for peace.  I'm looking for some semblance of a real and sturdy life.  

Will I ever have that??