For instance, at this very moment, I don't know what to type. But I know that I have to type to stop myself from going crazy. I've muted the television and I'm at home alone and yet somehow, my head is still full of noise. Something's not working right. Something's so off that even the normal meds aren't working correctly. I'll need to take that extra pill today that the psychiatrist gives me just in case. But even then, this feeling won't completely subside until it's darn good and ready.
So, what does it feel like in my head right now? It feels like an amusement park of sorts. Only the people running around in this park aren't people, but thoughts. They're all running around aimless, attempting to get on different rides. But they are pushing and shoving to be first in line. They are scratching and biting to be the first one to the top of the coaster. And once they're there, the rush of the ride itself becomes too much and they scream so loudly that I feel like my ear drums are going to burst and blood is going to pour from my ears.
And then... they do it all again.
A week ago I was functioning well. I could type the novel I'm working on while watching some television in the background and I could successfully follow both. Now, it's hard to follow just one. My head feels tight. My brain feels too big. I feel like something needs to stretch before I explode. I've been seriously contemplating another visit inpatient because I think that's what I might need. A quiet space to get back to "normal". Some intensive therapy. Maybe a little med tweak. It's been a year since I was last inpatient and statistically, that's very, very good for someone with my disease. But, I'm going to try handling it at home first because the hospital is no vacation. It's lonely and desperate and sometimes you feel worse being there than you do being on the outside.
So, I have decided, just today, that since I'm not getting better as fast as I would like to be, I'm going to use some tools I've learned to get myself out of this funk. And if that doesn't work, I will check myself into the hospital.
First, I'm going to turn off the internet. Sometimes all that Facebooking doesn't help shit. Sometimes caring about everyone else's opinion is impossible. Sometimes you just gotta take care of you. Second, I'm going to work on the "homework" my outpatient therapist gave me and if need be, I will call her to talk it over. Third, I am going to keep my mother abreast of what I'm feeling because if she sees me getting too bad, she'll have me committed against my will just to keep me safe. Fourth, and this is the hardest one, I will worry about myself first. No matter what. Which is highly difficult because I think it makes me sound like a bitch.
But for anyone reading this who is used to me caring about them and their needs, trust me, I want to care again. I want to talk you off the ledge. I want to let you cry on my shoulder. I want to come over your house and laugh and play games and be happy. I want to hear your jokes. I want to see you smile. I want to be the one who makes you smile. But right now, feeling the way I do, I can't be that person. And that's not only unfair to me, it's unfair to you. So please, give me a little while and I'll come back better than ever. I promise.
And if you still don't understand, I suggest looking into some literature on Bipolar Disorder because believe you me, I wish this wasn't happening to me. I wish I could be "normal" all the time. I wish I could be what everyone wanted me to be. I just can't.
