wonder

I am in the process of making the most difficult decision of my life.  No lie.  Sometimes I wish that God or even frickin' Santa Claus would just tell me exactly what to do and when to do it.  It's not that I'm scared of the responsibility of the decision, I'm just scared that it's not only my life I'm impacting. 

I feel trapped.  I feel like hurting myself on a daily basis.  I'm pretty sure I'm of no use to anyone while I'm like this.  But moving on from this may hurt people too. 

People say that it's never too late to start over.  I think maybe it's only people with exorbitant amounts of money that say that.  What do us little people do if we fuck up?  Wait around until the price of a plane ticket plummets?  Hitchhike home?  Can you even go home again? 

I'm 28 years old.  The scars on my legs are getting new friends these days.  I'm crying every few hours.  I'm being told that I am stupid and worthless by the people I care about most.  So, what do I do?  What do I do? 

I'm reminded of a time long ago when I was spending outrageous amounts of time and energy on a boy that no one thought was good enough for me.  I'm reminded of how small and insignificant he used to make me feel.  I'm reminded that before it ended, people asked me why I stayed and that after it ended, people said that I was strong and courageous and that I'd done the right thing.

Will this be the same way?  If I leave now, will people congratulate me.  I wonder. 

ms-cl kinda night

Can't write today.  Can't even think in a straight line.  Everything's all messed up in my head.  Part of it is cause I'm worried about leaving the house tomorrow.  I don't really know what choices to make.  I wish it was as easy as right and wrong.  As easy as some people think it is. 

I just don't feel loved right now.  Or maybe just not as loved as I want to feel.  I don't know.  And I'm not sure that people can deal with who I really am.  Maybe that's why they don't love me.  Because I scare them secretly.  Or confuse them.  I'm so much work. 

But am I really so much more work than everyone else.  I mean, everyone has issues.  Am I so much more work than the guy sitting next to me or the girl down the street?  I don't think so.  I would like to not think so. 

I feel like drowning.  My Lord, do I feel like I'm drowning.  I think tonight is a "watch My So-Called Life and cry at all the good parts" sort of night. 

boys vs. girls

For all the bullshit girls spout about being awesome and kick-ass and just generally better than boys, I'm beginning to think it's not true at all.  Boys seem to be - aside from the rapists and such - the friendlier, more outgoing sex. 

That's my random thought for the day.

a shell

Sometimes I wish that no one depended on me.  I feel like a shell of a person.  A shell of my former self.  A shell of who I could be. 

I want to curl up most days and do nothing.  I leave my house to go to church and that's it.  Most of the time, I have to force myself to do that much.  And even when I get there, I have to force myself to believe the kind words that anyone says.

I eat too much because I hate myself and I hate myself when I eat too much. 

I do not wish I were dead.  I just wish that the world would stop. 

a forward direction

Had an iffy day today, but in the end it launched me in a forward direction.  I've decided that I'm finally going to do what I've wanted to do since I was a little girl... write.  I will try and try and try until I get published because that's what I want.  It's what I've always wanted.  So, I'm going to finish writing the novel that I've been working on for some time now.  I'm going to force myself to write every day no matter my mood.  And when it's done, I'm going to send it to hundreds of people - thousands if necessary - until one of them wants it. 

Pray for me.

absolutely nothing

Had a really horrendous day today.  Found out that Texas does not run like New Jersey in one very important way.  Feeling like I shouldn't be here.  With my family.  On the Earth in general.  Feeling like a worthless piece of shit that screwed everything up. 

What am I good for anyway?? 

A Sarcastic New Year to Me

Happy New Year to me!!  In case anyone didn't catch that, I was being sarcastic.  

I didn't do much last night, which was fine with me.  I mean, I was with peeps I love, I had a few drinks, but I didn't go and party or anything.  Although, partying hard has never really been me, so whatever.  Point is that I had an okay night....

Until bed that is.

This morning I woke up after having a horrendous nightmare.  The kind of nightmare that you don't realize is a nightmare so you feel like it's your life and you're trapped in that utter suckiness.  The thing about this nightmare is that I've had it before.  I've lived it before.  It was my ex, of course.  The rapist, of course.  The one-who-shall-remain-nameless.  

He came to Austin.  Why?  I don't know.  But he did.  And he just had to see me.  And so I see him and it's the same old bullshit.  He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful.  The same lines as before.  You know, whatever he ever needed to say to get into my pants and seal the deal. 

Well it happens, of course.  Just like it did in real life.  Cause I'm gullible you see.  Then there's a little cuddling.  A few hours of him being all family-oriented and sweet and kind and lovable.  Then he gets a phone call. 

The end part of the dream is what I did in real life for soooooo many years.  I'm screaming at him and begging him not to go at the same time.  I'm calling him a liar and a druggie and a criminal.  And I'm telling him that if he leaves, it's over.  But I secretly want to tell him that he can ALWAYS come back.  Because not-so-secretly, he can.  He did.  Whenever he wanted.

I may have moved 2,000 miles away from him.  I may have told everyone on Earth what a bastard he is.  I may have a best friend and brother and mother that would die before they would see me with him again.  But is it really done?  Will it ever be?

As much as I don't want to... as much as I hate him with the smarter parts of myself... as much as my pulse races with fear at him touching me again... I still care.  It's the one thing that truly makes me feel sick about myself. 

So as I said before, Happy New Year to me!  May this year be the year he fades completely.