A Sarcastic New Year to Me

Happy New Year to me!!  In case anyone didn't catch that, I was being sarcastic.  

I didn't do much last night, which was fine with me.  I mean, I was with peeps I love, I had a few drinks, but I didn't go and party or anything.  Although, partying hard has never really been me, so whatever.  Point is that I had an okay night....

Until bed that is.

This morning I woke up after having a horrendous nightmare.  The kind of nightmare that you don't realize is a nightmare so you feel like it's your life and you're trapped in that utter suckiness.  The thing about this nightmare is that I've had it before.  I've lived it before.  It was my ex, of course.  The rapist, of course.  The one-who-shall-remain-nameless.  

He came to Austin.  Why?  I don't know.  But he did.  And he just had to see me.  And so I see him and it's the same old bullshit.  He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful.  The same lines as before.  You know, whatever he ever needed to say to get into my pants and seal the deal. 

Well it happens, of course.  Just like it did in real life.  Cause I'm gullible you see.  Then there's a little cuddling.  A few hours of him being all family-oriented and sweet and kind and lovable.  Then he gets a phone call. 

The end part of the dream is what I did in real life for soooooo many years.  I'm screaming at him and begging him not to go at the same time.  I'm calling him a liar and a druggie and a criminal.  And I'm telling him that if he leaves, it's over.  But I secretly want to tell him that he can ALWAYS come back.  Because not-so-secretly, he can.  He did.  Whenever he wanted.

I may have moved 2,000 miles away from him.  I may have told everyone on Earth what a bastard he is.  I may have a best friend and brother and mother that would die before they would see me with him again.  But is it really done?  Will it ever be?

As much as I don't want to... as much as I hate him with the smarter parts of myself... as much as my pulse races with fear at him touching me again... I still care.  It's the one thing that truly makes me feel sick about myself. 

So as I said before, Happy New Year to me!  May this year be the year he fades completely.