outward appearance

It's hard for me to write honestly about the topic of body image, but I suppose it is time.  While I was in my group sessions I only brought it up once and even then it was glossed over.  It's hard for me to talk about how badly I feel about my outward appearance.  But if I can be kind to myself for a moment - and I really should at least give myself that - I've gone through a lot in the last 5 years that would make anyone a little out of sorts. 

I was raped, which put on the pounds.  Because usually girls go to one of two extremes after a rape: they become very sexual and do some things they never thought they would (which I admit I dabbled in) or they become almost completely closed off (which I am leaning towards more).  I gained a lot of weight simply because I didn't want anyone to look at me anymore.  At least, not to see me as a sexual being.  And sadly, now that I'm getting over the rape, the weight gain has worked so well that I don't feel like anyone's looking.  Not that that's completely true of course.  I've been looked at.  I know this in my head, but my heart is crying and broken that I not only let the fucker rapist violate me, but I let him screw me up for years afterward.  I let him keep me in that prison he had me in while he was close to me.  Only now he's not so close, and the prison isn't really a prison, but a big, fat body with a really pretty girl inside that I think I once remember being.  And I can't help but feel like it's all my fault that I let him have so much power over me for such a very long time.

Also, there is the bipolar of course.  A very wicked disease with very wicked symptoms.  In order to curb the symptoms (which I totally do not want) I have to take medicine.  Probably everyday for the rest of my life.  Just so that you fully understand the exact nature of my drug cocktail, I will explain... I take 4 medicines: one to stabilize moods, one to stop the paranoia and help me sleep, one for anxiety and one for depression.  Now, I currently need a new anxiety drug, but the others seem to be working well.  But of course, there's a downside to everything isn't there?  The downside here is that my mood stabilizer is a very powerful drug which of course causes, you guessed it, weight gain.  So, add a few pounds more for good measure and you have the me I am now.  The me who will not be telling you my weight or anything, but trust me, it's more than it ever has been and more than I want it to be. 

Saddest part of all this is that I remember hating myself in high school and the early years of college.  Hating the way I looked.  Most likely because I was trying to define myself while choosing the absolute wrong company.  Company that told me I wasn't pretty and that I was fat and that I was wrong.  Only now do I see that he was wrong.  The whole time he was wrong.  I look at pictures of myself back then and I was beautiful.  I was thick, but not fat.  I had curves in all the right places.  I had a pretty face and a pretty smile and eyes everyone complimented and still compliment because they are two of the things you can still see that are right about me. 

I've decided that I'm going to get back there one day.  I think I've mentioned that before.  I even took some pictures of myself recently and I look better than I did just a few months ago.  Still, I hate it.  I feel like the weight loss isn't happening fast enough.  I feel like no one will ever love me and worse, I feel like I will never love myself again. 

But I'm going to try to love myself.  The way I am now and whoever I change into.  The first step I feel is to be honest with myself and others.  As fragile as I feel writing this, I think it's more detrimental to my well-being if I keep the thoughts locked away inside.  So, here is my soul, in blog form.  Please be kind.

unconditional???

I got some extremely good news yesterday which is going to help me fix A LOT of problems in the coming months.  Yay me!!  However, right now, my family and I are still treading water.  And I have a bit on my mind. 

First of all, why is it never the people with more than enough who aide you in surviving when you're not sure you can??  Why is it always the people who are in the same boat as you??  Or at least once were??  I suppose it's because they understand what it's like.  But in that case, I thank God that I was not born with "enough" like some of these people because they call themselves one thing and they say they care, but they are hypocritical bastards who wouldn't know Jesus from a jeweler. 

Second of all, why does everyone always tell you you're going to learn something when there's a situation presenting itself complicated??  I happen to be one of those people who believe that most things happen for some sort of reason, but yes, some shit is just random.  And I am going through some random shit right now.  And if you want specifics, email me, and I'll tell you all about that.  But I'm not going to write about anything too openly because it doesn't just involve me.  But trust me, there is no lesson learned from this.  And if there is I think I've learned it before: some guys are total creepers and pervs. 

Third, I am itching right now.  So bad.  Crawling out of my skin.  Just one of the very fun Bipolar Traits.  If I had any money at all, I'd take my brother to the mall and walk around for hours.  I'd go to the comic book store and the regular book store and then hit up Starbucks.  I'd drive around and see where the gas took us and then I'd stop there and buy a burger.  But right now, I just have to sit at home and itch.  Because I have no money.  Not yet.  I have friends that aren't really friends at all.  I have people who look down on me and think I caused this all myself.  And I have creepers that would only take me out somewhere to try to get into my too-goo-for-them pants.  UGH!!!

Oh, and a big PS - if you happen to be one of those negative people that I just mentioned above, you can kindly remove yourself from my planet because I officially DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!  If you can't ride the bus with me for unconditional support, than you certainly don't deserve to get inside my limo that's about to pull up. 

epic fail

First, some quotes:

"All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter.  Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better."
-Samuel Beckett

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default."
-J. K. Rowling

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine what you did as success."
-Stephen Colbert

And lastly, my personal favorite:

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
-W. C. Fields

My random thought of the day is obviously about failure.  Or more importantly, the lack of trying.  Sure, eventually every sane person will give up.  Or as the always smart and ultra sexy Stephen Colbert says, they will alter their definition of success.  I personally alter my definition once I think I've worn out every effort to get what I want.  To succeed. 

But what happens at the start of trying?  What motivates you - or me specifically - to try for what I want at all?  Well, usually when the people around me see that I want something, really need it, am almost begging for it, they encourage me.  They press me to be better.  To do more.  To try.  To exacerbate all forms of trying until I am spent.  Then, and only then, will my dear friends and family turn to me and say 'Tara, I just don't think this is going to work'. 

Well, recently I have been in want of something.  A large and complicated something.  Still, my friends have been there for me.  My brother has personally aided me in getting what I want.  Another friend said she would in anyway she could.  And still another gave me a nice 'good luck' pep talk and wants to be kept informed of any positive developments.  So, why then may I ask, has one person in particular let me down?

I suppose I don't rightly know the answer to that question.  I don't rightly care either.  I will not give up so soon.  I will not fold until I am darn good and ready to.  I just wish that everyone was behind me on this.  But I suppose that being encouraging may just be something that they fail at. 

rules suck!

Today my random thought is that RULES SUCK!!!  Sometimes I totally think you have to break some of them.  I mean, what would life really be if we all stayed inside the lines all the time.  I'm thinking outside the box today in a major way and I wish everyone else was with me on this.  Or maybe I just wish one person was.  Doesn't matter.  What matters is that - for once in my life - I took a huge risk and I really put myself out there.  I screamed: HERE WORLD!! TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!!  And you know what, the world didn't actually drop me on my ass.  Of course, I would've liked it to turn out a bit more positively, but at least I can say I tried and didn't exactly fail.  And who knows, maybe God will see fit to grant me this one request if I am patient enough. 

Here I come Captain America!!!