all that i am

I am 28.  I've mentioned that before.  I am not working cause my psychiatrist is trying to stabilize my mood and my meds.  I don't have a car because I don't have a job so there's not enough money coming in for that "luxury" item.  I'm not going to any kind of intensive program.  I just have my normal weekly therapy because I'm moving soon and I can't commit to a program until I know where I'm going to end up.  

I feel like a failure.  Every day I sit around doing meaningless tasks trying to keep myself and my thoughts busy.  I hate this.  I think that I should be doing more, that I should be more than I am.  

I've tried to consider the help I give my terminally ill mother.  The care that I give to my pets, one of whom I rescued off the streets.  I try to consider that without me, my brother would be a lot worse off.  

But it's so hard.

It's hard when I see people my age with good jobs, lasting relationships, houses, cars, money, etc.  I envy them.  

And part of me can't help but wonder if they're just looking down their noses at me.  Judging me for not being who they are.  For being ill.  

I see movies that present us, the mentally ill, in a vicious and condescending light.  We're murderers, lunatics, predators, on-screen.  A weapon of any sort is lethal in our hands.  If we want to "hurt" ourselves, it's automatically assumed that we want to die.  If we draw angels in therapy, we're automatically thinking about the after life and not the protection and goodness we wish for.  

I'm not looking to die.  I'm looking for peace.  I'm looking for some semblance of a real and sturdy life.  

Will I ever have that??