this house is clean

Today I'm cleaning.  Hopefully clean house, clean mind.  No?  Maybe.  Please God.  

Starting with the bathroom.  Not sure why.  Probably cause it's the quietest room in my house since I don't live alone.  Sometimes I spend an unreasonable amount of time in there just thinking about stuff.  About the past, the future, and every minute detail in between.  It's too much thinking really.  Maybe I should just keep it messy in there so I don't want to stay.  

Shit!  Why do I think like this?

Point is, I'm cleaning.  House then mind.  

Oh, and I'm writing again.  That's really good.  It feels really good.  I'm glad to be doing it.  

And also, on an unrelated, but important note, I'm supposed to be going out tomorrow.  Yeah, like leaving my house.  For hours.  Looking like I do.  Feeling like I do.  Oh God, I can't breathe just thinking about it. 

There's so many things going out entails.  I will have to get dressed.  Find something that fits since I gained weight.  Worry about how many people will notice the scars on my arm from cutting myself that I cannot hide in the summer.  (I learned quickly not to cut where everyday people can see.  I learned even better not to cut at all, but let's face it, that's a constant battle.)

Oh... I'm not thinking about it anymore.  We will see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow.