5am my time and I'm not sleeping. Haven't been sleeping... still. Recently, I've started to get like 2 hours in somewhere between 12am and 3am. But that's not enough.
It's probably because I'm not doing anything most of the day. Pent up energy is not good for me. I try to find things to do. Cooking, cleaning, etc. But nothing seems to be working. Since I can't work outside the house right now, I don't know what my options are.
Do you ever wish you could go back 10 years or so? Looking back to old journals and stuff, I see symptoms as early as 19 years old. Having been diagnosed only recently at the age of 27, means that there was an entire 8 years where I was suffering and being misdiagnosed.
I have spent years on anxiety meds, depression meds, sleeping meds. I was told I had PTSD, severe depression, personality disorders. I was in therapy for several issues (personal therapy, intensive out-patient therapy and in-patient therapy as well), but until I got the psychiatrist I have now, and love, no one ever said Bipolar Disorder.
She is completely patient with me. Patient with the medication changes and my reactions, or non-reactions, to them. I'm just not as patient. I want to be not manic NOW. I want to sleep NOW. I want to not feel bad NOW.
I want to not cry every time I think about what I've missed out on and what I continue to miss everyday that this disease isn't controlled.
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