something else

Been thinking about love lately.  The falling in and out of it.  Maybe because I haven't been in it in a while and it's kinda lonely.  Also, I haven't had a relationship since I was diagnosed and I'm thinking that with all the trouble I had before it's just bound to get worse.  Right?

It doesn't help that I have "interesting" taste to say the least.  My very first crush ever was on a guy who now hangs from hooks.  For fun.  Then there was my junior high crush.  He was actually my grandmother's neighbor.  He was the off-screen version of Jordan Catalano in every way.  That mysteriously silent, vulnerable seeming, bad boy.  He's still gorgeous actually.  If I see him, the heart flutters.  But he doesn't really know I exist.  Which is like, a running theme with me.  

It went really downhill after that.  I mean, I could talk about the abusing rapist or the guy who died of an overdose at 25, but what's the point right now?  They're not what this is about.  This is about me.  And my future.

Do you ever think that you're just so perfect for someone?  Someone you have or haven't met?  Like, "if he only knew me, really knew me, he would love me".  Do you ever put too much stock in a passing obsession?  

I use quotes a lot to express my own thoughts because honestly, if someone else has already said it better, I'm not going to try.  So here's one.  It comes from a little movie called "Sixteen Candles".  Molly Ringwald's father is talking to her about boys and if you've seen the movie, she has good reason to be upset.  Well he tells her, 

"That's why they call them crushes.  If they were easy, they'd call them something else."  

Truer words were never spoken.  Having a crush sucks.  Being in love is agony as well.  I mean, the only reason any of us laughing enter into relationships is because being alone sucks just the slightest bit more than trying to make a go of it with an awesome new guy.

I don't know how much of this post makes sense.  But these are my random bi-polar thoughts right?  I guess this is the most random thing I've written thus far.  

The point is, I've been through the relationship wringer.  I've loved and lost and I do agree that it is better to have lost than never to have loved.  But at 28, shouldn't I have some semblance of a romantic life?  Shouldn't I at least have a crush on an actual person?  

I think there's something wrong with me.