Tonight is the second night I've been awake until 5am or later. The insomnia's bad. The nightmares are worse.
Last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Manic Depression. It feels like someone's telling you that you're a freak. That you don't fit. The statistics don't help. Bipolar people marry less often and divorce more frequently when they try. Females are more likely to have postpartum depression if they dare to have children.
So what am I supposed to do? Sit back and take this. Accept what feels like a death sentence. I mean, I don't feel all that crazy. Aside from hints of paranoia, impulsive behavior and a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I should be able to lead a normal life. Or at least as normal as everyone else.
I'm hoping that I'm not the only person that feels like this. I'm hoping that someone else is sitting around feeling like their own life is suffocating them. I'm hoping that I can get over this. I understand that I will always have Bipolar Disorder, but maybe I can beat the statistics. Maybe I can be married, happily, with lots of kids and a big porch I fall asleep on with my bald, chubby husband when I'm 80.
I don't know. My crystal ball isn't working right now. But my fingers are and I enjoy writing. And these thoughts that run around my brain need a place to live. So here they are. I hope someone comes across these words and understands. Maybe we can all join hands across America and get the stigma attached to this disease thrown away.
In the meantime, I think I'll keep writing. About my day, my life, my disease. And maybe years from now, I'll look back on all this and laugh about the first year I officially spent Bipolar.
im def there with you Tara, though we have or differences u know ill always listen
ReplyDeleteHey dear. Its funny that even though we dont know each other, I feel the exact same way you do. Oh dear. About the idea of a relationship. I dont know. Sometimes I want it, just to have someone there and know it my heart of hearts that somehow I've won. But I've chosen to be single for years now and shy away from people because the thought of them getting to know me is bigger than my fear of opening up.
ReplyDeleteAs a kid, I used to dream of the perfect wedding, how many kids I wanted to have etc. But I feel that if I had someone now, it wouldn't matter if I loved them or were keen on them. A voice would always whisper to me in the back of my head that I'm in a relationship so I can dump all my struggles onto someone else. I'd feel needy and dependent no matter how hard I try not to be.
And all in all... it's starting to feel really lonely where I stand. But the fear. It chokes me. And I tell everyone its a choice. It is. But I can never truly tell anyone why I am alone.
I just cant reveal that side of me to anyone else. Being diagnosed with Bipolar has made EVERYONE in town see me as vulnerable and a poor case. If I told anyone about my thoughts and feelings on a relationship the pity would be even worse. I want people to see me fit and strong. After all, we do somehow battle demons everyday. I think your blog is great. Thank you for everything you wrote and for the way you reach out to us all without even meaning to.
Shay, I can tell you right now that someone would be lucky to have you. Thank you for your support and your kind words. I think we'll both be fine when all is said and done as long as we stick together.
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