I tried a new sleeping medication last night. After getting sleepy around 1am, I slept for 2 hours, tossed and turned another 2 and now I'm allowing myself to get up and do this. THIS SUCKS!!!
Trying to find a medication that works is horrible. In the past few months I've tried several meds. Meds I had to stop taking because they weren't working to well. Or because they gave me headaches. Or because they caused allergic reactions. So now I'm starting new medications. We'll see if this takes.
I have to have a med to sleep. I have to have one to stop from wanting to kill myself or cut myself. I have to have one to keep me from crawling out of my own skin. Right now, the crawling out of my skin is NOT under control. My brain races at like, 10,000 miles per hour. I can't contain a thought. The best way I know to explain it, the way I explained it to my therapist, is that my mind is made up of roads. Intersecting highways that need a lot of traffic signals to keep them all working properly.
Recently, I was put on Risperdal. Risperdal put up traffic lights. Toll roads. Yield signs. The whole nine. I was functioning well. Thinking reasonably. And then I started to swell unusually. FUCK!!
Turns out I am the >1% of people allergic to this medication. So I had to stop taking it. It took about three days before all my signs where knocked over. Before all the traffic lights crashed into the streets. There's accidents everywhere. My thoughts have gone right back to moving quicker than the speed limit allows.
It's 6am and I already fear that today will not be a good day. I want to cry, but I know if I start to cry, I won't stop. Then I'll want to cut myself because that will stop the crying. Then when I'm having a more stable moment, I'll look down at the new scar and hate myself even more. Wonder who's gonna ever love me when I don't love myself.
Who's gonna want me with these scars?
No comments:
Post a Comment