double or nothing

I don't know if it's just a random compulsion that's part of my disease, but all day long, especially on more anxious days, I make bets with myself.  Trust me, this is as weird as it sounds.  And it's hard to explain.  I don't know why I do it.  I don't really know how to stop doing it.  Then, if the bets end badly for me, it makes me even more anxious.  If they end well, I bet again.  

Just like gambling for real I suppose.  I wouldn't know.  I only gamble with my thoughts.  

Here are some examples so you get the idea:

1)  If I can finish making breakfast before my little brother wakes up, then everything will be okay.
2)  If I can pack all my books into this one box, then the move will go off without a hitch.
3)  If we get the news we've been waiting for within the day, I will subsequently meet the man of my dreams and we will be happy forever.


Now, the more intelligent parts of my psyche know that breakfast will not control the fate of my world, but I still make the bet.  And if manage to get all my books into the one box, I figure that moving will be easier on all of us, but just to make sure, I'll bet again when I pack up my clothes and my DVD's and my old journals and etc. etc.  And if for any reason at all, we don't get the news we waited all day for, I will assume that I will never meet the man of my dreams and I will be lonely forever.  


Wow!  Putting this into print really makes me feel crazy.  Does anyone else do these things?  It would be comforting to know I wasn't alone in my insanity.