outward appearance

It's hard for me to write honestly about the topic of body image, but I suppose it is time.  While I was in my group sessions I only brought it up once and even then it was glossed over.  It's hard for me to talk about how badly I feel about my outward appearance.  But if I can be kind to myself for a moment - and I really should at least give myself that - I've gone through a lot in the last 5 years that would make anyone a little out of sorts. 

I was raped, which put on the pounds.  Because usually girls go to one of two extremes after a rape: they become very sexual and do some things they never thought they would (which I admit I dabbled in) or they become almost completely closed off (which I am leaning towards more).  I gained a lot of weight simply because I didn't want anyone to look at me anymore.  At least, not to see me as a sexual being.  And sadly, now that I'm getting over the rape, the weight gain has worked so well that I don't feel like anyone's looking.  Not that that's completely true of course.  I've been looked at.  I know this in my head, but my heart is crying and broken that I not only let the fucker rapist violate me, but I let him screw me up for years afterward.  I let him keep me in that prison he had me in while he was close to me.  Only now he's not so close, and the prison isn't really a prison, but a big, fat body with a really pretty girl inside that I think I once remember being.  And I can't help but feel like it's all my fault that I let him have so much power over me for such a very long time.

Also, there is the bipolar of course.  A very wicked disease with very wicked symptoms.  In order to curb the symptoms (which I totally do not want) I have to take medicine.  Probably everyday for the rest of my life.  Just so that you fully understand the exact nature of my drug cocktail, I will explain... I take 4 medicines: one to stabilize moods, one to stop the paranoia and help me sleep, one for anxiety and one for depression.  Now, I currently need a new anxiety drug, but the others seem to be working well.  But of course, there's a downside to everything isn't there?  The downside here is that my mood stabilizer is a very powerful drug which of course causes, you guessed it, weight gain.  So, add a few pounds more for good measure and you have the me I am now.  The me who will not be telling you my weight or anything, but trust me, it's more than it ever has been and more than I want it to be. 

Saddest part of all this is that I remember hating myself in high school and the early years of college.  Hating the way I looked.  Most likely because I was trying to define myself while choosing the absolute wrong company.  Company that told me I wasn't pretty and that I was fat and that I was wrong.  Only now do I see that he was wrong.  The whole time he was wrong.  I look at pictures of myself back then and I was beautiful.  I was thick, but not fat.  I had curves in all the right places.  I had a pretty face and a pretty smile and eyes everyone complimented and still compliment because they are two of the things you can still see that are right about me. 

I've decided that I'm going to get back there one day.  I think I've mentioned that before.  I even took some pictures of myself recently and I look better than I did just a few months ago.  Still, I hate it.  I feel like the weight loss isn't happening fast enough.  I feel like no one will ever love me and worse, I feel like I will never love myself again. 

But I'm going to try to love myself.  The way I am now and whoever I change into.  The first step I feel is to be honest with myself and others.  As fragile as I feel writing this, I think it's more detrimental to my well-being if I keep the thoughts locked away inside.  So, here is my soul, in blog form.  Please be kind.